It’s time for a change, America. Every February, tons of people tune in to watch a giant rat-like creature be forced from its burrow to “predict” the length of spring. This chubby little guy is perfectly happy in his fancy underground apartment (so I have been told) until an imposing human wearing a silly top hat reaches in and demands performance. Could you imagine having a stranger in a suit and giant top hat wake you up in the snow and ask you to go outside (with no coat!) to look for your shadow? I think not.
First of all, why groundhogs? We do not have many stories about groundhogs, I have never been to a groundhog themed party (but I would totally come if you invited me, hint hint), and I have never seen a groundhog perform any cool tricks that merit a crowd gawking. Also, did you know that Puxatawny Phil, the most famous groundhog, has only been correct 39% of the time? And yet he has been predicting the weather since 1887.
This year, I submit a host of far more likely animals to consider instead. Why watch a groundhog when you could wait for an axolotl to jump out and make a prediction? Did you know that axolotls can fully regrow limbs back? How cool is that? Also, they are way cuter than a sleepy old groundhog. I submit the following pieces of literature as a platform for this candidate.
Look at all that slimy cuteness. I mean, who could resist watching Dewdrop the axolotl emerge every February? Not me. Okay, so maybe watery amphibians are not your thing. I get it. How about a red panda? Not the boring black and white ones that do kung-fu in movies, but the red ones that have the face of a fluffy fox-like thing. Not convinced? Look at these titles:
Amy the Red Panda? Wonderful. So much better than Puxatawny Phil. More like Puxa-yawny Phil, am I right? Okay okay. So, you are not convinced yet. Maybe you need a more magical creature? One with a horn? How about a kitty-corn, magical narwhal, purrmaid, or unicorn?
See what I am talking about? A magical pocket unicorn you can take to school. You know, I have never met a unicorn that didn’t make accurate predictions. So much more reliable than a groundhog. What kind of name is groundhog anyway? They aren’t really hogs or even pigs. Pigs are cute and can even be trained as service animals. Oh, and baby pigs are the sweetest. Look at these ones:
Pigs are pretty cute. I mean, we should all have our own weather forecasting pig. I will have to put that on my list of things to investigate once the farm opens. Pigs are a bit ordinary though. Maybe we should think about something more mythical? I’ve got it— from now on, every February we should all gather around to see a great weather forecasting dragon. Yes! Dragons are perfect for the job. They are pretty serious about the weather too. You don’t believe me? Well, how many dragons have you talked to lately? Imagine one of these dragons swooping in for a special weather report:
Wow. So many choices that are far better than a groundhog. I propose an election.