Change is hard. Even changes that seem simple from the outside can feel difficult from the inside. Changes that involve other people can feel downright impossible. Stopping climate change, getting your relatives to stop saying awkward things in public, getting it fixed when you’ve been served the wrong meal at a restaurant.
There’s only one way to eat an elephant, so let’s break this down, one bite at a time.
Be Clear
No one can read your mind. To advocate for change you need to directly ask. Be succinct but remember: brief is not the same as clear. It is worth being wordier to make sure someone understands what you want.
When you are passionate about a change, writing can help you vent and hone your argument. By the time you’re done, you will hopefully have a strong point or two that can be plucked out.
Saying those takeaways out loud to someone else, and having them repeat back, is a good way to check that your argument is clear. Incorporating feedback from follow-up questions can be helpful, but it can also add bloat, so be thoughtful about it.
The ideal is to get to a place where you know what the follow-up questions are going to be, and you’re prepared for them.
Now that you’ve got your thoughts together, put the ask at the top. This can feel weird and pushy if you’re not used to it, but it is much more effective than a long windup.
Get Your Timing Right
When you think something should be done differently, it can be tempting to burst out in the moment. This usually doesn’t work very well because you’re unlikely to be clear (see above), and the other person is more likely to get defensive.
Try the 1-2-3 rule:
- The very first time something happens, say something immediately.
- If you miss your moment the first time, and it happens again relatively soon thereafter, say something immediately.
- If something has happened three or more times, don’t react in the moment. Find a time.
Why the difference? The first time something happens, you are more likely to be calm. It’s also easier to be clear because there’s just the one instance.
The second time something has happened, again it is relatively easy to be clear—as long as the two instances were close in time, so the other person hasn’t forgotten about it.
By the third time, if you haven’t said anything yet, you are likely upset, and the other person is likely to feel ambushed. Why have you been hoarding these examples of their bad behavior? Why didn’t you say anything? Don’t you trust them? Why are you being so weird about this?
If you have waited, it’s helpful to explain why—and why you’re bringing it up now.
And since you’re finding a time, give yourself enough time to be clear and pick your time wisely. Best times and approaches will differ based on the situation, but here are some facets to consider:
- State of mind – Aim for a time free from distractions, when you both will have the energy to be thoughtful. Avoid initiating when either of you is obviously stressed, preoccupied or hungry!
- Setting – Choose a private, comfortable and distraction-free environment if you can.
- Advance notice – It may be appropriate to schedule in advance, particularly if it is a work or other more formal situation. If so, be thoughtful about framing the topic. If you don’t schedule in advance, think about how best to broach the subject to avoid that ambush feeling—asking someone if they have time to talk is a good way to start.
- Slow down – Slow change is lasting change. You are unlikely to get everything you want in one conversation. Plan ahead so that you have time for follow-up before a decision point, if possible.
Some issues are cyclical, and knowing the cycle can help. For example, for political change, spring is good for pushing budget ideas and fall for policy because of the normal legislative cycle.
Make it Personal
Sending a form letter or signing a petition is great, but it’s even more effective to put it in your own words/add a personal story about why the specific change matters to you and how it affects you. Sharing your story, from your own perspective, can help you find areas of common ground that you might not otherwise.
The reasons you don’t like a particular thing, or feel a different approach may work better, probably seem super obvious to you—but odds are that it doesn’t seem that way to the other person, and they’re not doing whatever they’re doing just to spite you.
It could be that they’ve never thought about the issue from your perspective before, they can see flaws or barriers that are outside of your view, they couldn’t see an alternate path or they simply didn’t realize how much it mattered.
Bring a Friend
You may be passionate and your friends only so-so, but if you’re going to an event or sending a letter, try to persuade at least one other person to join you. Allies can also be helpful in a work context, but you’ll want to 1) make sure they are true allies who will back you up and 2) avoid making anyone feel cornered.
Bringing a friend shows force in numbers. You can help emphasize each other’s points and make sure you don’t leave any key facts out. A friend can also catch you if you start getting too off-script.
Please note: If it’s a one-on-one issue, don’t rope someone else in. This tip only applies when your friend has an equal stake in the game.
Go in Person
Showing up is the ultimate sign you care. It is worth way more than a tweet/TikTok/six-hour rant inside your head.
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