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Worst Opening Sentences

Create a funny, original opening sentence to the worst imaginary novel ever written to celebrate National Library Week. All ages and resident/nonresident patrons are eligible to participate. Vote below for your favorite: the top 3 winners will receive gift certificates to local businesses! Write a sentence to enter.

Votes Line
The butler did it; here's how.
I don't know why I am writing this or you are reading but if I am writing it and you are reading then I guess it was meant to be written!
I know this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guys cousin that loves the monkey.
Is sugar really sugar, or is it just sugar?
If sugar is so toxic and is so addicting, shouldn't we regulated it and then society will not be affected anymore.
hi, go away
But since in such a thought more than simply the faculty of thought, the understanding, is brought into play, and since this faculty itself, as a faculty of knowledge that is meant to relate to objects, calls for explanation in regard to the possibility
There is no story. Why are you reading this? The book didn't have a title.
Once upon a time, there was no time.
Truly: it is the universally acknowledged purview of a great work of literature; most of the information necessary to understand its allusions are rendered sufficiently obvious to the lector by eructations of the author -or in the accompanying footnotes.1
For thirty cents extra, you can make it a combo.
or was it.
I'd like to believe that everything happens for a reason.
The butler did it!
It was the end before we even started.
"Look! It's a flying cupcake!"
Right when I was out of the worst of danger, I tripped on a rock.
I started my ride in this rental that feels like a cross between a donkey and a toyota tercel to....
In this story man with the yellow hat will win the game...
My bank account was closed due to lack of interest but my wallet remains open.
Why blame the monkey?
They lived happily ever after, whatever.
Whatever.
I went to this place.
"Mommy i want my daddy." said Pikilibob
It was nighttime.
My mom said,"Mr.bobby where do you think you are going?"
I didn't think my toenails were the right color, but I had no time to fix them, because I was headed out to...
I am Selena Gomez's biggest fan and I just wrote a whole novel about her and I hope you, like, enjoy it.
You are about to read the most inexplicably boring book in the world about the history of classical composers, starting with the Baroque era.
This is maybe, possibly, potentially going to be a good book perhaps, but most likely not.
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.
I am a visible man.